


"Broken"

by bang-the-smoke (708_things)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Coming Out, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21597874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/708_things/pseuds/bang-the-smoke
Summary: Brendon Urie has never been like a normal teenager. He has one deep dark secret that sets him apart from everyone else. Every time Brendon gets close enough to a partner to admit it, it always ends whatever they had. Nobody wants to date somebody who is "broken" according to society's standards.When his friend, Ryan, expresses his interest, Brendon is reluctant. He doubts Ryan will be any different, but maybe Ryan will prove him wrong.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic, originally posted on wattpad under bang-the-smoke

"And you'll never be interested in that?" he asked, biting his lip.

Brendon shook his head. "No... But I could probably help you with, you know." Although he honestly doesn't want to, this is the most he would be willing to offer.

"No, it's..." Brendon's boyfriend suddenly sighed. His green eyes, the ones that made him feel at home, don't look so reassuring. He looked into Brendon's eyes, "It's not you, it's me."

It's the worst breakup line Brendon has heard of, and he's heard quite a few. Because there's no pretending that this isn't Brendon's fault; this wouldn't happen if he could just be like everyone else and be normal. 

"Really?" Brendon asked bitterly, pretending to play along. 

"I have needs," his boyfriend (which seems like a term he can't use anymore) explained. "I don't think it'll work out between us in the long run."

He's honest, which is something Brendon's grateful for. He's had it with people who tell him it's okay with them but really mean otherwise. It causes him more pain if they drag it out like that instead of pulling off the bandaid.

"I understand," Brendon told him, mustering a smile. "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings," his newest ex confirmed, nodding to himself. But it doesn't matter because Brendon's been in this cycle of exchanging lovers left and right for a while; he knows how this works. They break up, and any friendship he had with them before is practically erased.

The boy left him alone after that, going back home. Brendon wanted to turn him around and tell him he's sorry. He's sorry that his heart has been broken yet again by not being enough.

Brendon will never be enough.

\---

It's not much of a surprise to his friends that he has been dumped again. They're never aware of why this happened, but they know better than anyone else that any relationship Brendon's in doesn't last.

They still asked though.

"What happened?" 

And Brendon used the same answer he always uses. "We're not compatible." 

"Maybe I could set you up with someone," his friend, Gerard, offered. "I know plenty of people who'd be willing to date you."

Brendon doesn't want to be disappointed when it turns out they're not as willing when they find out his secret. "No, I'm fine," he sighed. "I'm going to stay off dating for a while."

That has been pretty surprising. Ryan, another friend, was very curious. "Why?" he asked.

Time for another lie. "I think I'm just trying too hard."

They always say love will find you. Brendon doesn't think it will, not for him at least.

Ryan stared at him for a moment, as if trying to tell if he's lying. He probably knows, Brendon figured. If anyone is close to finding out his secret, it's Ryan. Ryan's always got his eyes open.   
And if there's a reason for that, Brendon wouldn't know. 

Brendon continued to eat his food, distinctly aware that Ryan's still looking over at him.

  



	2. Chapter Two

It's late. The dark sky above them reminded Brendon. He can hear the world around them, but instead focuses on the sorry state of his friend.

"You know what they say," Ryan croaked, "what goes around comes around."

Brendon sighed, throwing his arm around his shoulder. The two were sitting on the sidewalk just outside of Ryan's house. "But you haven't even done anything!" Brendon stressed.

"Yeah," Ryan smiled bitterly. "They also say that life isn't fair."

Hoping to distract Ryan from his depressing thoughts, Brendon changed the subject. "You can spend the night at my house," Brendon offered, knowing Ryan probably wasn't planning on sleeping in his own house tonight.

Ryan nodded, sighing as he stood up and dusted himself off. "Thanks, Bren."

"No problem," Brendon stood up, also dusting himself off. "Things will sort themselves out, I promise."

"Yeah," Ryan said, sounding distant. "I'm sure they will."

Brendon led him back to his house, which was only a few streets away. His parents were asleep at this ungodly hour, so he warned Ryan to be quiet. 

Ryan nodded and followed Brendon to his room, closing the door behind them slowly. Once he was inside, he sat down on Brendon's bed and let out a loud sigh.

"What do you do when you feel like the whole world's against you?" Ryan asked, staring at Brendon entrancedly.

"I often feel like that," Brendon admitted. "There's something I've always been holding back, something that keeps me separated from other people. When I feel the worst, I just push it away and ignore it." He stared at Ryan meaningfully. "It's better to just focus on being happy again."

"Everyone thinks you're so dumb," Ryan smiled. "But sometimes I think you're wiser than any of us."

"Not wiser," Brendon disagreed. "I'm just more experienced."

The room was dark, dark enough that they could only make it out an outline of where the other was. The dark is more vulnerable than the light, in a way. 

It's in that dark setting that Ryan crawled over on the bed and kissed him. To Brendon, Ryan tasted like vanilla and reminded him of the summer time. 

Brendon threw his arms around Ryan's shoulders and pulled him closer. The kiss was sweet, but then it turned sour when Brendon realized what was actually going on.

He quickly pulled away and turned on his side, letting out a sigh. "Ryan, I can't do this."

"Why?" Ryan snapped, standing up quickly and facing him. He was completely agitated. "What's so different when it's with me, huh?"

If Ryan were to ever leave him, Brendon would fall apart. There would be nobody to catch him, to tell him that everything will be fine. There won't be any gentle whispers in his ears calming him down from everything.

Pushing Ryan, and subsequently his love, away was the only thing Brendon could do. 

"Calm down, Ry," Brendon said carefully, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down. "We'll talk about this in the morning, okay?"

"Fine," Ryan said coolly, obviously still pissed. 

Brendon sighed, pushing his head further into the pillow. He knew he could deal with this situation better with more sleep. "Good night," he whispered to Ryan softly.

"Good night," Ryan replied, his voice dreary as he let himself be pulled into a deep sleep. 

Brendon followed suit shortly after.


	3. Chapter Three

In the morning, Ryan demanded an explanation. Brendon didn't even have much time to wake up. He let out a yawn before facing Ryan.

"I just don't want something bad to happen to us," Brendon admitted. "What if we date, and everything just goes wrong? I don't want to lose you, like I've lost everyone else." 

Ryan huffed. "Love is a risk, you doofus. It's all about taking chances. I'm not like the others, you know that."

It was true. Ryan was close to him already, had been his friend for at least two years now. Ryan might be accepting, might not even see it as a big deal. 

"I know," Brendon replied. His voice was weaker, as he opened up. "It's just... The reason my past relationships haven't worked out is because I tell them this one thing about me, this one secret, if you will, and it changes everything. They don't want to fight, to push through it."

"Brendon," Ryan said quietly, sounding as gentle as could be. "They missed out, okay? Nothing you could say changes the way I feel about you. Nothing."

Brendon opened his mouth, about to push the words out of his mouth, but stopped himself. He can't. He can't watch Ryan's kind eyes no longer look that way. He doesn't want to see the confusion, the sudden reluctance. 

Brendon wants him to be different, but he knows he won't be.

"I'm sorry," he said instead. "I can't tell you."

Ryan looked disappointed. "I understand," he replied. "Just keep me in mind, please? I want you to know I won't judge you for whatever this is."

Brendon smiled at him. Even though Ryan doesn't know the half of it, the fact that he's so understanding makes him feel hopeful. "Thank you," he said sincerely.

Ryan smiled back. "No problem."

\---

Everything is back to normal. Ryan fits himself back in as just his best friend, but he sends Brendon reminders that he wants more. 

It's shown in the gentle touches, the smiles sent his way, the loving whispers in his ears. Ryan acts like his boyfriend but without the title.

Soon, Brendon will have to tell him. Ryan will eventually demand the truth out of him, and Brendon hopes it doesn't get to that point.

But the fact is, Brendon doesn't get the chance to tell him. Someone else starts talking.

An old ex of his, Jason, started to spread a rumor about him. The problem was, the rumor was the truth.

Jason told everyone that the reason nobody bothered to stay with Brendon was because he didn't help their sexual needs. In fact, Jason added, Brendon had no interest in it. Brendon was asexual.

Brendon was furious when he found out Jason had done this. To him, being asexual didn't seem like a big deal, but to everyone else, it was.

He wasn't normal to them. Having very little sexual desires was insane. The whole world ran on sex, and the notion that Brendon didn't care for it was unsettling.

Brendon was broken. He was wrong. He was not right.

People looked at him differently now, and it made him feel awful. Nobody had given him this shit when he showed his interest in guys, because these days, being gay was common. Maybe not acceptable to some people, but it wasn't unheard of like asexuality.

Brendon knew it should've stayed a secret. 


	4. Chapter Four

"Brendon!" Ryan called from behind. Brendon only walked faster, desperate to get home now that school was over.

Unfortunately, Ryan caught up to him. Well, not without playing a little dirty. He tackled Brendon down onto the grass of some random person's lawn in their neighborhood. "Damn it," Brendon groaned. 

Ryan was above Brendon, his hands on either side of him. His honey eyes were looking at Brendon intently, a frown on his lips. "Brendon, why did you think it would change things?" he asked quietly, his eyes burning into his soul.

Brendon gulped, nervous by the position they were in and the conversation that was forming. "Because it's been the deal breaker before," Brendon said weakly, recalling his previous lovers. Maybe it was unfair to compare them to Ryan, but they were all he had to base things on. "As soon as they realize I don't want sex, they leave. Sex rules the world."

"Brendon, I'm not them," Ryan insisted. "They didn't truly love you. Love means looking past certain things." His hands clenched on a piece of grass. "And although I like sex as much as the next guy, it's not a deal breaker." His eyes softened, looking at Brendon so fondly that he wanted to cry. "I love you."

And god, all of those feelings Brendon repressed hit him quickly. It had always been Ryan. He wanted to be with him so bad, but he was too afraid to bring it up, to try it out. The possiblity of them breaking up and losing their friendship frightened him, but like Ryan said, it was a risk to take in the name of love.

"I love you too," Brendon breathed, putting his hands on each side of Ryan's face as he pulled him down the short distance for their lips to meet. 

Yes, Brendon was still afraid, but he felt fearless when he thought about how Ryan would be by his side. Maybe Brendon could actually have a healthy relationship with someone he loved. Maybe he'd actually found love.

Maybe Brendon wasn't broken after all. 


End file.
